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The Place I Can Be Honest [entries|friends|calendar]

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[31 May 2008|09:57pm]
i just can't do this anymore. i can't keep going and i can't keep eating and gaining and gaining and gaining weight.

i don't live at home anymore, and i haven't had to go to the doctor in a long time, so no one's here watching me anymore.

i am starting a liquid fast on tuesday for three days. maybe more, but three days at least. i can't fucking handle this anymore and i need to do something.

first order of business will be to get a scale. i should have bought one right away when i moved out but stupid me thought i could go without. i can't. and i won't anymore. i don't even know what i weigh, but whatever the number is, it is too much. time to thinspire myself and get my shit together.
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[04 Oct 2007|08:01pm]
i finally got a job, and it's working with food. i'm waitressing at this little restaurant in town and looking at food all day makes me sick. i'm still eating, don't worry. it's just hard to look at food all day and then come home and have everyone expect me to eat. doesn't looking at food count? it should. it always felt like it counted back then.

starting school maybe in the spring, but i don't know for what. i need to figure that out. mom and dad will pay for two years as long as i stay healthy. so at least there's that out if don't like school. just what i need - more things to fail at. maybe no school yet. i don't know if i'm ready.
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[02 Oct 2007|07:40pm]
the official word is i'm recovered. i'm a 'healthy weight' whatever that means and i eat three meals a day and two snacks a day and they think i've stopped cutting, but a girl needs some vices.

i should be posting more often now. i have regular access to a computer and my life is seemingly more normal now that it has been. whatever 'normal' is. sigh.
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[23 Dec 2006|03:29am]
[ mood | sad ]

i know i never post here anymore... probably no one reads the twice-yearly posts i make anyway, but life is still happening over here.

except i don't know if i'm ready for the next step because it's hard. i'm supposed to start some sort of bullshit inpatient treatment program but i don't know if i can pack up my life here and move and be told i'm bad and doing everything wrong and THIS is how normal people eat but normal people are fat and stupid and don't know when to quit shoving their faces full.

i don't mean that. i don't think i do. i just... need to make a decision and i can't. i need more time.

i'm melodramatic and out of energy today.

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[26 Jul 2006|03:31pm]
Time for my annual "life is shit i can't do anything right why the hell am i even trying anymore?" post.

That about sums it up.

It's days like these that make you feel like giving up.
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[05 Jun 2006|11:44pm]
Out of the hospital again.

Who knows for how long.
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[14 May 2006|11:30pm]
I'm so fucked up again... I don't know what to do with myself.

I just want... I want to be able to eat again. To wear tank tops. To wear shorts.

But I'm afraid to. I don't think I can do it anymore.

I need help but I don't know who to ask. Or how to ask. I don't think anyone cares anymore. Everyone's sick of me and my drama. I'll probably be posting here more just to get it out. No one in my real life wants the real answer when they ask how I'm doing. They all know. They just try to be polite by asking.
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[28 Mar 2006|08:46pm]
I don't really post here anymore, I realize, but I'm trying to get back in touch with people I used to be in contact with here.

I'm not doing so well anymore, but I'm living life and starting to get ahold of myself, I suppose. In all the ways I'm slipping, I'm also rising up.
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[29 Jan 2006|08:52pm]
...anybody who's still got me on their friends list, here's an update:

I was in the hospital for two weeks, diagnosed officially with ED-NOS, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. This was following a suicide attempt.

I'm doing very well right now - my eating is back on track (in a "normal" person sense of eating), I've gained weight, which I'm not especially happy about, but I've gotten a lot of things straightened out in my life and I'm doing really, really well. We've gotten my meds figured out, and I seem to be stabilizing well.

So I'm alive. I'm better than that - I'm actually happy and functional and I feel better than I have in a good six years.

Just thought I'd raise my hand and let everyone know I'm okay and alive and coping with life better than I ever have.
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[29 May 2005|01:14am]
3 weeks.

I tried. I really did.

I threw out my thinspiration journal.

I didn't read anything on this journal (communities, etc)...

I feel like a fucking fatass now and I'm not eating anymore.

I need to get down to 110. Then I can stop. Really.
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[04 May 2005|08:52pm]
Did horribly today. Purged so much I could barely stand up straight because my stomach hurt so fucking badly.

Start over tomorrow, don't eat until Monday. I can do it, no problem. I just need to be better about getting on the scale whenever hungry.
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[29 Apr 2005|08:45am]
I'm fasting until Tuesday. Who's with me? (Calorie-free is the only rule. Gum calories do not count.)

(I'd go longer than Tuesday, but I lift weights on Tuesday mornings and as that'd be day 5, I'll need to eat something so I don't pass out.)

x-posted like mad
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[16 Apr 2005|11:06pm]
I'd forgotten how fucking good it feels to not eat anything for three days.

I'm almost falling over every time I stand up, I feel nauseous and dizzy and weak... and I feel nothing but accomplishment because I'm back below 120.

My goal is 110 for May 13th. Preferably lower.
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[04 Apr 2005|01:08am]
...however, I am hereby making a pact with myself not to eat until Friday.
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[03 Apr 2005|05:30pm]
Raw food is agreeing with me. I've lost 5 pounds from the 129 I was the last time I weighed myself (Ugh... how the hell did I go so awry?), and I'm feeling okay eating, which is an absolutely ENORMOUS step for me. So we'll see how this all ends up. 110 is my goal for finals.
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[27 Mar 2005|10:43am]
I am undeserving of life.
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[21 Mar 2005|01:18pm]
Size 4 pants and I'm still not happy.

Two months ago I would've been happy to squeeze in to size 7s and now I'm in 4s and they're comfy and I feel the fattest I have ever felt in my god damn life. I haven't even eaten anything the last two days.
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[20 Mar 2005|07:55pm]
This really shouldn't piss me off, but it does:

I bought a pair of size 4 jeans, thinking I *might* fit into them once I get back down to 110. I don't try them on because I'm SURE they'll be way too small. I get home and try to fit my fat ass into them, and it works.


So yeah, it's cool that I fit in to size 4s now, but fuck! I need to go back and exchange them, methinks.
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[11 Mar 2005|11:05pm]
I'm not posting in this journal anymore until I am down to 100. I'm too much of a miserable fucking failure.

And with how I'm being monitored by my family, it'll be a long time.

My life is fucking falling apart and I can't stop it.
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[08 Mar 2005|05:38pm]
Since I'm being forced to eat, tomorrow I am:

  • Going to school

  • Going to the gym

  • Going to my therapist appointment

  • Going to the gym again until it closes at 11
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